


Regret and Lack Thereof

by Zoadgo



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, post 2x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 20:25:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3395252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoadgo/pseuds/Zoadgo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you regret it?” Okay, admittedly asking about the killing spree someone had gone on recently probably was some form of faux pas, but Murphy’s never had the best social graces. Finn sighs next to him and runs a hand through his hair again, a habit that Murphy recognizes from himself.</p>
<p>“You know, it’s terrible. What I did. Speaking objectively, it’s a horrible thing.” </p>
<p>“I wasn’t asking if it was good, I was asking if you regretted it.” </p>
<p>“Do you regret killing Connor and Myles?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret and Lack Thereof

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ewals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewals/gifts).



Murphy tends to avoid hanging around the main campfire, where everyone else gathers at the end of the day to tell stories, or whatever it is they do. He knows he isn’t welcome there, and although it’s fun to annoy them with his intrusion on occasion, he really doesn’t want to be present to witness them all forgiving Finn for killing 18 people when he was condemned for two. So Murphy slinks around the edges of camp, keeping the fire in the corner of his vision. It’s a tempting beacon as the night grows on, but Murphy simply puts his hood up and hunches his shoulders against the cold.

He finds it interesting, in his casual observation, that Clarke avoids Finn. She actually gets up to move across the circle and sit next to Bellamy when Finn attempts to claim a spot next to her. Maybe the Princess is angry, because she thinks her own morals stand higher than that. It’s all a lie, at the end of the day. No matter who they’ve killed, or how many, they’re all murderers by this point.

Just as Murphy is beginning to grow truly desperate for some relief from the cold air, the others start to leave the fire, heading to their respective sleeping arrangements. Murphy contents himself with the knowledge that he’ll be able to warm himself slightly at the smoldering embers, once everyone is asleep. He watches Clarke brush past Finn, and sees Bellamy attempting to reason with him. Finn just shakes his head at whatever Bellamy says and pads off into the forest, heading past Murphy’s current position.

No one goes after him, and Murphy doesn’t know what to do with that information. Finn was part of the royalty in their little dysfunctional society, were they really going to allow him to leave that easily? But Bellamy just looks disappointed and turns away, and no one else shows any interest in following him. Everyone simply lays down and falls asleep with the ease of those who never know when their next chance for rest may come. And that leaves Murphy alone with a dilemma.

Because Murphy can still hear Finn’s footsteps, and he knows he’d be able to catch up with him if he left now. But there’s still a few licks of flame on the logs in the center of their improvised camp, and that’s more than Murphy had hoped for. His fingers itch for more heat than his pockets provide, but his curiosity wants to know why Finn went into the forest alone, and why no one stopped him. Murphy’s gaze locks onto the fire, and then he curses himself as he turns away from the slight comfort it would offer him. His life has never been a comfortable one, anyway.

He keeps his footsteps light as he follows Finn’s trail. Clearly the boy had other things on his mind, because even in the pale light of the moon, his tracks stand out. Within seconds, Murphy can hear boots crunching through leaves and twigs, punctuated by heavy sighs. He follows the sound for a long time, moving away from the dying fire easier with every step.

The feet in front of him stop, and Murphy slows his pace slightly as he draws up to the rough location of the other boy. Finn could be beaten and broken down right now, or he could be like an animal that’s been cornered. Jumping out of the darkness at him is probably not a good idea, regardless. He doesn’t hear any form of cursing or ranting that would indicate lingering violence, so Murphy figures it’s safe to step out from the last line of trees separating them.

Finn is leaning against a tree, form vague in the scant light but clearly hunched over slightly, arm against the trunk and forehead leaning on his arm. He doesn’t seem to be crying, unless he’s remarkably gifted at doing so silently, so Murphy intentionally steps on a twig. Had Finn been sobbing, he probably would have run. Emotions like that makes Murphy highly uncomfortable.

Finn’s head raises and whips around to look at Murphy, his hand flying to the knife at his side since Clarke had taken his gun. It was out of ammo anyway. When he recognizes Murphy, Finn relaxes slightly and leans his back against the same tree as before, pushing a hand through his hair.

“Here to gloat, Murphy?” He sounds tired, Murphy notes. His question does raise the issue in Murphy’s mind, that he doesn’t really know why he followed Finn, beyond idle curiosity.

“Maybe. Or maybe I just didn’t think you should be in the forest alone.” Murphy picks a cedar next to Finn and leans against it. This way, they don’t have to look at each other. It’s easier to talk that way, easier to forget the other person is real.

“And why would you care?” A very good question, and all Murphy can think of is Bellamy throwing him a gun, a sign of trust he hadn’t truly thought he would ever receive. It turns out it was temporary for the rest of the group, but maybe there was a chance with Finn. There’s no way he had gone through what happened at the village and was still the same as everyone else, so tied up in being “the good guys”.

“Because I promised that I’d have your back. And contrary to popular belief, I try to keep my promises.” It’s true. Murphy had never sworn not to harm people when he’d come back for the first time, everyone just assumed that was implied in his second chance. Finn huffs out a bitter laugh and rests his head against the wood with a dull thud.

“You’d be the only one who has my back right now, I think.” Murphy simply hums an affirmative to that. There’s nothing he can say, short of lying.

The noises of the night grow around them, and Murphy can’t stand it. He hates Earth, how it never shuts up and it’s always so damn pretty, as if it doesn’t kill them every chance it gets. He can see the distant glow of one of the small bioluminescent patches of forest, and he knows it’s probably toxic to them somehow. He fidgets at the noises of creatures growing ever closer to the silent pair, and he has to break the silence.

“Do you regret it?” Okay, admittedly asking about the killing spree someone had gone on recently probably was some form of faux pas, but Murphy’s never had the best social graces. Finn sighs next to him and runs a hand through his hair again, a habit that Murphy recognizes from himself.

“You know, it’s terrible. What I did. Speaking objectively, it’s a horrible thing.” 

“I wasn’t asking if it was good, I was asking if you regretted it.” 

“Do you regret killing Connor and Myles?” Murphy doesn’t have to pause before answering, he knows that he would do it a hundred times over, even given what had happened to him because of it. But still, he takes a moment to reflect on it, on the fact that he has no shame over having murdered two people. Honestly, he feels worse about being unable to stop Finn.

“Not even a little. If they’d lived, and I had reintegrated, or whatever the hell Clarke and Bellamy expected me to do, I never would have been able to sleep. It’s like the little girl who killed Wells-”

“Charlotte.” Of course Finn would remember the little bitch’s name. Murphy had tried to erase as much of her as he could from his memory, everything bad that happened to him could be traced back to her. If she hadn’t done what she’d done… Well, Murphy supposes he isn’t entirely innocent in the situation either, but still.

“Yeah, Charlotte. She had nightmares ‘cause of his dad, so she killed him. Every time I saw those fuckers, I remembered what it felt like to be unable to breathe. What it felt like to die.” Murphy stretches his neck slightly, the phantom rope that lingers to this day making its presence known. “I don’t regret it, because it was the only thing I could do to live again.”

“I should hate myself for what I did, shouldn’t I?” Murphy can feel that Finn’s gaze has shifted to him, but he can’t meet it. If he does, this all becomes real. So Murphy just smiles to the stars.

“I’m maybe not the best person to come to for moral guidance. I take it you don’t hate yourself, then?” Murphy hears the shift of hair against bark as Finn shakes his head.

“I just keep thinking, what if they’d had Clarke and the rest, and I hadn’t done everything in my power to get them back? And killing the people in that village… I panicked. I didn’t have time to realize the old man wasn’t a warrior. It was just… a reaction.” Finn sighs, which Murphy has a feeling he’s been doing a lot of lately. “I know killing 18 innocent people was wrong, but they didn’t seem innocent to me at the time. Who are we to judge who’s “okay” to kill and who isn’t? We’re not soldiers, this was never supposed to happen.”

“Life sucks, Finn. Especially down here. It’s hard enough to survive without beating ourselves up about every mistake we make.”

“Except they were lives, not mistakes.” Murphy just shrugs and pushes away from his tree. He doesn’t need a lecture, and it seems like maybe his words have swung Finn back to that infuriating high road that Murphy can never even see from the trench he digs himself.

“I told you, I’m not the best for moral guidance. Maybe you want to talk with Bellamy, or Clarke.” He shoves his hands in his pockets again and goes to head back towards camp, but a hand on his forearm stops him. Murphy turns his head, and he actually meets Finn’s eyes for the first time since everything had gone down. And everything they’ve said becomes real. Murphy sighs and orients his body towards Finn, making it clear he’s not going to leave. Now that the fucker has gone and broken the sort of non-intimacy that Murphy had built around the moment in his mind, Murphy was stuck here until they were done.

“I can't talk to them, Murphy. Clarke won’t look at me, and Bellamy’s surprisingly terrible at giving motivational speeches to one person when he doesn’t believe what he’s telling them. You’re the only one I can talk to.” And there’s a sort of vulnerability in Finn’s gaze. If Murphy were to turn away now, to reject Finn and deny him even the pathetic support that he can offer, Finn would probably crumble. It would take time, but Murphy realizes he holds the key to one man’s destruction or success in a simple turn of his heels.

Murphy’s acutely aware of Finn’s hand on his arm. He wonders why it feels so strange, and then he realizes. Finn is the first one to touch him in a long time voluntarily, without intending to hurt him. His grip is light, and Murphy could easily throw it off if he wanted to, but he doesn’t find that urge within him. Instead, Murphy finds himself giving one small nod of his head.

“Like I said, I’ve got your back.” And the hand squeezes lightly on Murphy’s arm before releasing him. They don’t talk about much else that night, but Finn helps him to get the fire going when they get back to camp, enough that Murphy is able to thaw slightly before passing out. For the first time in his recent memory, Murphy is comfortable when he goes to sleep, and he tries not to overanalyze it as his eyes close, shutting out the horrid beauty of the Earth for a few blessed hours.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so my absolutely amazingly supportive, terribly plot inducing babe [pbandjohnmurphy](http://pbandjohnmurphy.tumblr.com) asked for some Furphy, even a 100 word drabble, and it ended up ended a little more than that! I've never written/read furphy, so I hope this is good! As always, [coldsaturn](http://coldsaturn.tumblr.com) is way too sweet and super awesome at editing stuff for me.
> 
> I love talking with you guys [on tumblr!](http://jonnmurphy.tumblr.com) Thanks in advance for commenting/viewing/leaving kudos <3


End file.
